The Survey of the Snake

 nce upon a time, not so very long ago...

  ........... a fair young female academician approached the small community of Morgdom with an impassioned plea. She requested that all of the citizens participate in her survey and tell her all about the illness that each of them suffered. She even posted her request in the square of the Morgdom community. And that post read something like this:

"The purpose of the survey is to find commonalities in symptoms of people experiencing mysterious, invisible or unidentified skin parasites. Though there may not be direct benefit to you, it is intended to help people in the future by providing medical and academic literature."

The post was read repeatedly by all of the people on the square. And gleeful replies were made, glowing dissertations were delivered, minstrels played music and sang as townsfolk danced. And it was as if the huge dark cloud, which had been locked in position over them for all these many, many years, might be moving. At the very least, now there was a glimmer of hope. And all across Morgdom, from the town square, across the valleys, through all the fields and even unto the highest reaches of the mountains afar, the talk of the entire community turned to the young academician's survey.

But these were dark times in the land of Morgdom and many of the old ones in the community were leery of the pretty young academician, who had no skin symptoms herself. They wouldst warn those who wouldst jump hastily into the snares of the dreaded DOPs. "You know her not!" they didst warn, "What credentials hath this young academician? And from which of the learning institutes doth she hail?" And the anxious ones didst present the information and told the suspicious old ones, "Good news, good news..! She doth attend the great learning institute called the Uga..! And there she even now studies to attain her credentials!"

"Oh no..!" proclaimed the old ones, "Verily, we wouldst be remiss if we did not warn you of the perils involved in dealing with those who hail from the Uga. Though many of the great thinkers and writers have come from the Uga, much evil lurks there." And many of the old ones were quite adamant in trying to quell the excitement. They did further ask of the anxious ones, "Has the young academician revealed the ones that be her mentors and teachers?" And the anxious ones didst hastily seek out the information and reported back to the old ones, "Good news, good news..! She is mentored by the great one called 'Hinkle', who is said to know much about our affliction!"

And the silence that ensued was deafening. There was no activity on the square, no one was posting. For a time, all communication ceased. Yet the old ones worked furiously at the issue, feverishly composing an epistle to educate the anxious crowd. The activities of that day are perhaps best revealed in a song written by one of the local minstrels.

But those anxious ones, who so very much wanted ANY research to begin, didst speak outright against the decree, and didst post many words of argument in favor of participating in the survey, which was not a study of the DOP. "She has been ever so nice in her request and doth really need our help. See..? She even mentions the symptoms of the skin 'precisely'..!"

But the old ones knew... and only pointed to the scroll saying, "It is decreed."

And not since the First Council of the Okla, had there been such a division in the land. The anxious ones heeded them not, deciding to ignore the decree of the old ones saying, "These old ones know nothing of the new sciences of the great universities. They live in the past and ignore a gracious request of an academician from the prestigious Uga.!" And so, as it would happen, some didst partake of the survey, with many of them demanding all the while of the young academician, "Assure us that your survey is not a study of the DOP."

And the young academician didst hastily respond,

"Legally, those who took my survey know that there is a clause when working with human participants called "full disclosure." This means, if I were studying Delusory Parasitosis, I have to say "Delusory Parasitosis" sometime in the beginning information or the disclosure statement at the end of a study. This is the only way a legitimate study can be approved through the IRB. When I do a study on Delusory Parasitosis, I will let you guys know."

And the anxious ones didst point out to those of the 'old school', "See there..! She doth study our illness, and NOT the DOP.!"

And from time to time the young academician wouldst post words of encouragement to the citizens of Morgdom and she wouldst say:

"Calling all "morgies" out there in the greater Athens-Clarke county area..."

And the anxious ones wouldst point out to those of the 'old school', "See there..! She doth beckon to us to help with the research!"

Once the young academician wrote to say,

"Thanks to those who have so far taken the study. I appreciate your time and hope the new online format was more convenient and comfortable for you."

And the anxious ones wouldst point out to those of the 'old school', "See there..! She doth even make it so that we need not travel to participate in the survey, which is not a study of the DOP.!"

One day, the young academician wrote,

"I have now graduated from the University of Georgia with a Bachelor of Science and my research here is my full-time job -- to answer your questions and e-mails, and look at your samples (a free service to you through the county extension service), and conduct this research."

And the anxious ones didst point out to the old ones, "See there..! She doth now have her credentials and works full-time on the illness..! She even offers, with no charge, to view the samples produced by the illness..!"

And those who had partaken of the survey felt good and didst anxiously await the results of the survey by the young academician, which, of course, was not a study on the DOP.

But there was also a feeling of unease among some of those in Morgdom.